Two Hours

The first two hours of a day in the life of an Eating Disorder, 5 years into recovery.

I’ve named my ED ‘Slug’.

6am:

Early wake up call because sleeping is for lazy tarts who do nothing with their lives. By waking up early I might have earned myself a moment's silence. It worked!

6:01am:

Slug: You should be jogging. Or stretching or something. Even journaling, but no, look at you, STILL in bed. Run your hands over where your bones should be, I want to feel them sticking up! I want to feel the skin streeeetched over those spiky points.

But they’re not are they?

Hahahaha more like bumpy lumps.

They'd be perfect if you hadn’t eaten so much yesterday, and if you’d actually pushed it on your jog, but nooooooooo, you ate too much AND you were lazy and this is the sort of shit I have to fucking deal with day in, day out.

I’ve gotten out of bed, and I’m walking out into the yard to do some morning yoga.

Slug: Don’t forget your lemon water, may as well get started flushing out all your shit! Your body should be a temple, you’d be perfect if you treated your body perfectly but instead you’re lazy, constantly trying to jump steps, but you can’t! Especially not you! Heifer!

I make warm lemon water, a drink that our family Naturopath has recommended to warm up our livers and aid digestion. She’s so beautiful, glowy, smart and thin… Maybe this makes me a bit like her? Maybe if I can be more like her then Slug will leave me alone? I warm up and stretch as well as I can, given I have the beginnings of what will become chronic back pain. I’m not stretching to ease my pain or help my body in any way, I’m here because I have to be.

Slug is usually a little more quiet while I’m moving.

I move a lot.

Slug: You’re not doing it properly. You should be able to twist more by now, you should be stronger, your heart rate’s up just from this! Hahahaha

What a loser! You’re doing nothing on a yoga mat and your heart rate’s up, hahahahaha! What a fkn lard.

And you wonder why I’m here, you wonder why I get upset sometimes, just LOOK at what I have to deal with!

TURN YOUR FKN BODY!

I turn my body, twisting further into a shape that hurts and twinges with a sudden pain that makes me gasp. I unwind and rest on the mat, my back is a band of pain, I am defeated already. I feel so slack already, my body really should be able to do more. I’m only 30 and look at me, disgusting.

6:45:

Slug: You didn’t even water the garden this morning! You should have gotten up and looked after everything, but noooooooooooo, as usual you just looked after yourself. Got straight out of bed and just did what you wanted to do, instead of what needs to be done. And now your garden has to live through another day without being looked after. Typical.

Classic you.

You just can’t get it right can you? You always waste your money on things that are wrong. You throw away food, you buy the wrong clothes, always! Every time! I’ve never seen someone with such bad taste in clothes, hahaha!

Try hard, that’s what you are, try hard, you don’t even know yourself and everyone can see it.

Everyone knows.

6:48 (Shower time)

Slug: Look at yourself, LOOK AT YOURSELF! Spin, look. Eew.

Yuck, look at all that meat, that flesh, just lumping all over you

I try not to look at myself. 4 years ago I realised what a trigger my reflection was, but in most showers and bathrooms the mirror is right there, impossible to avoid. I try to cancel out Slug by repeating out loud the things I love about my body: My eyes for seeing, my ears for hearing, my legs and arms for giving me the privilege of moving. I touch the soft flesh of my belly and I whisper softly “I’m sorry”. The water is warm and I jump in, for some reason Slug doesn’t come into the water. I’m free when I’m immersed in it, a bath, a shower, a pool, a lake, it doesn’t matter. In all of these bodies of water I marvel at how it touches every part of me without revulsion, water can’t get enough of me, it falls on my skin and the world is quiet for a few minutes. I shower twice a day.

Slug remains quiet for the first few minutes after I bathe. I rub lotion into my skin and I use the opportunity to infuse these moments with gratitude. I thank each part of my body and perfume it with smells that make me feel rich and luxurious, despite the fact that I’m living in a caravan at my parents place, the shower is in a small shed, and I’m still only partly admitting to myself that perhaps I’m in the midst of a breakdown.

7am: (Getting dressed)

Slug: Nothing you wear fits properly.

It all looks weird on you.

Your weird body.

You think you look cool but you don’t.

Ha! Imagine even trying to look cool. Those people don’t try, they just are, and look at you trying… A true sign of a loser.

You really should have worked out harder, you can’t even feel it can you? Your body is sloppy, loose, there’s nothing good here.

Imagine your life if you just committed, truly committed to something OTHER than being lazy, you would be so much happier. I’d leave you alone, I’m only here because I need to be. I’m only here because you’d be lost without me, imagine where you’d be without me… Nowhere!

I’ve gotten dressed. My clothes hang around me, wherever my clothes touch my flesh is a target for Slug. I wish I could wear a tent, I wish I could be naked… But then the idea of being naked fills my throat with a nauseous tightness.

Slug: Ha! You, naked. Gross, you wish. You wish that people desired you, you wish that you could have that but you can’t. Not like this. But I’m TRYING to help you. If you do what I say, there’s a chance for you.

7:15am: (Breakfast)

Slug: Oh, TWO eggs hey? Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, enjoy it.

Nope, no butter. Don’t be ridiculous, cut the crusts off. More, cut more off, you can’t have ANY crusts, so make sure you’ve cut them off.

The piece of toast left is about as big as the yolk of one egg.

Slug: I’ll tell you what, don’t eat the toast. If you don’t eat the toast then you’ll be a good girl and good girls get rewards, don’t they? I’ll look after you, I’ll always look after you, I’ll always be here for you.

I leave the toast.

7:30am (Make up)

Slug: You’re doing it wrong. Your brushes are disgusting. Of course! Yet another way that people can see straight through you! Real women don’t have these old, disgusting, hand-me-down makeup brushes, real women look after themselves, they buy themselves what they need.

But not you… No, not you, because you never have any fucking money! Because you spend it on useless shit, like blue eyeshadow, you fucking idiot!!!!!

Hahahahahaaha what an absolute loser, a crock of shit, a cesspit of pity.

Oh I can’t wait to see the world laugh at you.

You deserve it though.

You’ve let everyone down.

You shouldn’t be here, you should’ve stayed where you were. You should be studying your masters, you should’ve finished your project, but you let everyone down, because that’s what you do. You make promises that someone like you will NEVER be able to deliver.

Blush? For you? HA! Cute? You want to look cute? Have you ever thought about the fact that someone that looks like you ISN’T cute??? You could bathe in blush and you’d still be a witch.

Sharky.

Pointy nosed witch.

Lipstick… wow, now we’re BEGGING for attention. Why would you WANT people to look at you? AT THIS????

7:50am (Leave for work)

I walk 20 minutes to the train station. Slug is quiet while I move, I move a lot.