Reflections

Earlier this week I hosted a workshop where they had an amateur photographer taking some pics of the process. I thought this was great, finally I will have some photos of me actually teaching. Awesome!

Last night however, I received the images and I have to say, in the single image they sent me, featuring the back of my head (cool shot bro), I kinda look like I’m a close relative of Andre’ the Giant.

Now, this obviously wouldn’t be an issue if I was in fact related to Mr. Giant, but I’m not.

I’m related to what I would refer to as ‘quite short and small’ people. I am not big, I am not beastly, and yet in this photo I am both of those things… And the colour has been graded in such a way that it makes my skin look like it’s bulging in areas that even Andre’s don’t.

In short, it is one of those terrible photos that should never make it out from the photographer’s files. I'm not hideous in real life, but in that photo even the back of my head is… Surely something else is to blame?

The angle that the photographer was on, their shoddy colour corrections, their inability to get a good shot, and the fact they seemed to take only one?

But then again, I feel this way every time I see a photo, reflection or any sort of image of myself (trust your patterns!).

Sitting in front of the mirror at the hairdresser’s is fkn horrific, so horrific in fact that for the last decade I’ve spent a great deal of time either with a white bleached pixie cut that I dealt with largely on my own, or currently a grown out grey bob, that I don’t really give a shit about.

Images of this meat suit I’m living in are fodder for my eating disorder and body dysmorphia and whilst I will continue to pose in and be a part of SOME images, I’m doing it purely so that there are small portions of proof that I existed in the world.

I would much rather pretend that we’re living in the literal dark ages and there is no light, so no one can see anything. Believe me, I’ve got great bone structure, and based on touch alone, I’m pretty flawless. Chuck a light on, take a photo and you’re more likely to find I’ve got a VERY expressive face, a mouth that won’t shut up and a body that feels very uncomfortable in front of a lens (cue fight stances!).

I REALLY don’t want to do mirror work…. You know the stuff I’m talking about? Where you dance enticingly for your own reflection based on the teachings of an influencer who moved to some sort of tropical island and now teaches online body acceptance?

No, nope, not for me. I’m sure it’s great, and the fact it triggers me is obviously something to talk about with my therapist, but I’m also unsure that I DO need to enjoy looking at myself.

I’m reluctant to believe that this is yet ANOTHER part of myself that I need to work on.

Why? To what end?

I have no problem feeling extraordinarily beautiful when I am free of reflections.

I walk around pretty convinced of my innate sexiness and glorious light-filled, magnetic aura… UNTIL I am faced with it, and all of that glory plummets to the ground. Which sucks, and I don’t enjoy it, but I’m also not surprised by it. I know that the glory will return in an hour or so.

Why do I need to enjoy an image of myself?

Surely the image of me is for others?

Some researchers appear to have found an actual part of people’s brains diagnosed with ‘Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) that doesn’t operate quite the same way as people who don’t… We zoom in on our faults in an obsessive way, they become magnified and all encompassing, triggering various physical reactions that get in the way of good ol’ regular living.

And I quite like the idea that this part of me… could simply be a part of me. Some people enjoy their reflection heaps, and some people don’t.

In my almost 39 years I honestly haven’t had a single person walk up to me and say any of the things my own head says upon viewing itself. So I believe I can rest in peace with the idea that I’m not so hideous I make people throw up in their mouths and I’m honestly pretty happy with that.

Maybe I can just accept the fact that whilst I think that I am actually pretty stunning, a great catch, hilarious, interesting, and all round awesome, I quite simply just don’t really enjoy a piccy of myself?

Anyway, that’s todays two bobs worth,

XXX ALi