The 3 of us.
I’m officially in the last week of holidays before I return to work full-time… I’ve had 6 glorious weeks off, yet where did they go??!!
I had such plans for my time off and I’m going to be real honest with you as I share them:
I was going to grow my hair impossibly long so that then I could be a long haired arty hippy maven just for a bit and see what it was like.
I was going to complete final edits on my book and get all the illustrations started and completed so that I could finally feel like I had done something with my life.
I was going to send off said book to publishers and it would be picked up and printed because obviously it’s an instant masterpiece and external validation is the only thing that matters here baybay!
I was going to go camping and have the BEST TIME EVER, because that’s what happens when you camp in Australia when it’s 38 degrees in the shade.
I was going to rebrand, lose weight, gain health, save money, and get a whole new wardrobe, because it is these things that are really holding me back from finding inner peace.
I was going to swim and tan and relax by bodies of water because that is what one does on holidays.
I was going to read SO MANY BOOKS, the more books you read, the closer to the G O D you are.
Oh and I was going to mention them all on my online platforms so that then people know how smart I am because I read.
But mostly, I was going to RELAX!!! Just chill, maaaaan, and be totally chiller vibes at all times.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahaahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
You’ve gotta laugh though don’t ya?
I’m sure you can already guess that my holidays were decidedly different, and thank the good lawd, because otherwise I’d be EXHAUSTED!!! But that list came from somewhere, and I know I’m not alone in building such crazy things, so here’s my two cents on where it comes from and what I do about it.
There have been at least two voices in my mind for as long as I can remember, and these days there’s actually 3, which may make me seem certifiably crazy to some of you, but maybe that’s why I never really feel lonely??
There’s Slug: We ALL have a slug, but mine started as a personification of my eating disorder and general self loathing. Now Slug just kinda encapsulates my life without the clarity of consciousness. My habitual self, the self unquestioned, programmed, and reacting to the lower prompts that the world throws at me. Slug is pure survival mode.
I may step out of the fire and save myself from being burned but I stepped out of the fire and into a cave filled with hungry bears because I failed to look around and see what was happening in the bigger picture.
There’s ME: Who I am today, in my body, connected to what I need right now, but with the clarity of understanding space and time, consequences, desires, dreams, and my responsibility in doing what it takes to provide all of that for myself. I am here in my body right now and I no longer loathe that awareness, I wouldn’t say I love it all the time, but there are days and weeks that I certainly do. Whilst I am higher than Slug, I’m still limited in my vision and perspective, and I am strongly and necessarily attached to the material nature of the world.
I still jump out of the fire and into the cave, but this time I have the Kung Fu skills it takes to fight a family of hungry bears.
There’s my Crone: I’m not sure what else to call this voice, she’s fairly new to me but she’s wise as fuck. This grand ol’ dame is the air around me, ageless, limitless, constant, and unseen, yet so very, very present. She can see it all from lofty heights down, down, down to the muddy trails of Slug himself. She travels through me and around me at the same time, connecting me to all versions of who I’ve been and am becoming. Or at least this is the task I’ve asked of her.
There is no fire, there are no bears, I am safe, there’s nothing to run from or to.
Now, can you guess which one of these three archetypes wrote my little list of expectations for me?...
A slug is a slug, a snake is a snake, and I can always expect a sweet (and long) list of impossible to achieve tasks from my slimy little friend. As I’m sure you do too.
In the past there wasn’t enough space around Slug for me to exist, but luckily the wind was able to slip on through the gaps and slowly but surely my Crone got to work making that beasty a bit smaller, questioning the directions I was being given and providing an alternative.
As a result and after 12 years of working through it all I took Slug’s list, thanked him for showing up, and popped it to the side. I communed with ME and together we worked through what actually needed to happen in order to provide me with my material needs. Then I tuned into that glorious Crone, the favourite and most joyful version of me and had a further renegotiation with what my holidays were actually going to be about.
And here’s what the three of us worked out:
My hair grows quite slowly and I hate having long hair. I find it annoying and hot and it makes me quite mad when I find it in my food. I cut my hair a bit shorter and learnt a little bit about how to style it instead.
I did no writing whatsoever. I didn’t feel like it, I had no energy or imagination for it. So I learnt a little bit about some techniques and skills that will help me when I have the energy to create again.
Creating something that requires external validation to generate pride is a Slug act through and through. If this is my motivation it will only end in tears. Is this still a path I want to travel down?
I went camping and I had a glorious time for the 18 hours we were there before our tent filled with water and became a little swimming pool. I was really sad and disappointed that our trip got cut short and I let myself feel that.
I created an exercise routine that takes into account my Hashimoto’s. I drank too much alcohol which is bad for my Hashimoto’s. I bought 3 new jumpsuits and 2 new period pants that are the right size for my body as it is today, and ordered fresh new business cards.
I swam and relaxed around bodies of water because it feels so damn good in my body to do so.
I read books about vampires, time travel, and complicated family dramas because I really enjoy reading those themes.
I kept them all to myself because my life isn’t a performance.
I spent the majority of my time tuning in with how my body felt about relaxing and what felt restful to me at that time. At times this meant lying down and reading but it also looks like cooking something long and slow or stocking my freezer with easy to heat treats. At other times it looks like gardening, walking, re-organising my entire house, making love, or op-shopping for 6 hours…
As a result of all this negotiating:
My Crone is proud and has room to move.
I am connected and IN my body more than I believe I’ve ever been.
Slug has been listened to and appreciated for what he brings to the table.
Rather than returning to my students a scattered mess of not-enough, I’m coming back relaxed, joyful, and proud of the very little I ‘achieved’ on my break. For the first time since I was about 25, I feel like I had a holiday and I gotta say, it feels really, really good.
I hope you had a similar experience, and if not that there’s something here to help you out next time.
Thanks for being here,
XXX ALi
