Not ‘good enough’

Inadequacies suck, I think we can all agree there. But just because we have them doesn’t mean we need to allow them to make decisions for us.

I don’t know a great deal about many sun signs but I do know that I am a Scorpio sun, a Cancer rising and an Aquarius moon. What this means is that I have many, many, many feelings in any given 10 minute period, yet I will pretend that I don’t. I’ve had to learn over many years and with much practise that not all feelings need to be owned by me, and I think it’s time to pass on that practice.

For me, my feelings of not being good enough are always there, regardless of what it is I’m trying to do. Teaching a workshop or class, sending a proposal for a grant, cooking a new recipe, wearing an ‘outfit’… according to the asshole in my head I am never, and will never be good enough. On the other hand you can bet money that I WILL be too much of everything else. Too fat, too small, too loud, too quiet, too too too too much me.

I have learnt that it is futile for me to try to exist without this voice. So I stopped fighting for some sort of blissed out silence in my head and instead I just started accepting what was there. For better or worse, I have a Slug in my head who is abusive, mildly psychotic, and eternally scared that they/ I/ We will never be good enough. I firmly believe it is my job to have a chat to this head slug and help it to feel safer. I think of it like a 3 year old having a tantrum whilst in my care. I have two options, I can yell at and scare the toddler, or I can help them to feel safe, heard, and secure that I will be there for them regardless of their spat.

What you do with your head slug is entirely up to you, but if it’s getting in the way of you physically doing things that you enjoy, then I would recommend you at least try the following:

-Next time you are sitting down to create and Slug pipes up, rather than ignoring it and pushing it away, or walking away from the act of creation, instead, I want you to pull up a seat for it. A physical, actual seat right beside yours. I want you to tap it, and I want you to invite your Slug to take a seat with you, welcome it into the room and offer it a snack. Thank it for showing up, and for being so beautifully predictable. Remind it that you are there TO fail, that failure is inevitable and OK. Then begin creating, make some beautiful rubbish and you’ll find that slowly and with time, Slug will sit there quietly beside you content with being seen and validated.

You see, our slug’s are just our protective mechanisms. They’ve been hurt before and don’t want it to happen again. They’ve been told they’re wrong for years and struggle to be seen by us, because we are so intent on being positive, and productive, and perfect. By pulling up a seat for them and inviting our Slug’s to the table we are validating all of that shadow shit, we are validating our whole self, not just the pretty stuff, but the hard stuff, the ugly tears and the red puffed face of anguish stuff.

We are good enough. We are good enough to fail, and that’s what creativity is. It’s thousands of failures all mixed together that somehow turn into something beautiful. This alchemy is not for us to understand, but we can surely just accept it’s inevitable truth can’t we?

So please, pull up a chair for that part of you that is scared and let it know that it’s protected and safe with you around. Now, go be brave and make some art!

xxxALi