Awesome Failure

I used to believe I alone had a knack for failure. A rare and un-valuable skill that successfully separated me from the perfect perfection of everyone else around me.

The Slug in all of our heads helps us to believe this, and with the backhanded foresight of being 37, I can see (almost clearly) how much it contributes to holding us back and making us feel overwhelmed, unloved, and downright terrible. I know now that mistakes are necessary, that failure is fine, and indeed is the well spring of most good things.

The thing about failure is, it doesn’t stay that way for long. Failure is where transformation begins, it is the flame of failure that alchemises the phoenix from the ashes. Perfection is a dead thing, failure is alive with possibilities! Here are some of my most recent failures I turned into gold:

1)The time I worked on an image with a new student and I realised that I had no idea how to use green. My student seemed to be enjoying their time, but they haven’t come back for the canvas or for any more lessons. Are they dead? Maybe, or maybe they just realised the same thing that I did, I needed to learn more.

I went to YouTube and found this, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWUGVrCxQvA which helped to validate my rage at the colour green. Also, this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqL5wN74Mss which gave me a bit more information on how to use it. Long story short, I messed up with a students work, I failed, but it led me to the gap and thus I filled it.

2)I have a knack for saying the thing I’m trying hard not to say, like when a student was experiencing a huge and permanent loss I kept on referring to colours as being dead, the song playing sounded like a funeral song, and the forest was too alive and needed a bit of death introduced…. I could’ve kicked myself, but the lesson I learnt was one of separation, not pain.

The reason the word kept popping up was because my inherently empathetic brain was twisting and turning the information around in my head as though it were mine. But it wasn’t, I didn’t need to pre-empt triggers, I just needed to be with my fellow human. It wasn’t my loss, it was theirs. I failed, but it led me to an awareness that I now practice daily.

3)I’ve yelled at students for not listening, for being on their phones, for not being me… For not getting my joke, for pointing out my mistakes the way I point out theirs. Sometimes I can be downright mean, even though I frame it as being honest.

People will inevitably trigger us, but it’s not my students jobs to understand my triggers and not step on them. It’s up to me to do that, to be aware, and to build protective guides around my triggers so that I can be more in control of what’s happening to them. For me, when I’m getting mad at someone it’s usually because I’ve been putting myself further and further down the priority list and feeling resentful about it. So I lash out. I burn and rage and hurt whoever is closest, like a blind person wielding sharp knives. Sometimes I fail at being an understanding and forgiving teacher, but I’ve learnt to apologise and turn the mirror inwards to find where I am hurting.

4) Recently I’ve failed hugely at a painting that I’m doing for a friend, a wedding present. I can’t get it. I’ve tried 3 times now, in 3 different ways. I still can’t get it. I know that I’m not a bad artist, I know that I will, but that doesn’t take the sting of failure out of the studio.

I do know that if I don’t stay on top of this moment, Slug will take over and turn my studio into a war zone yet again. I’ve simply got to push through, and so I keep on painting. I work on other pieces, I play, I do some writing, I stare at the image, I ask my angels for help and guidance, I trust that this piece will be finished. I just don’t know when, and I can’t see it in my head… It feels uncertain, uncomfortable, and I don’t like it at all.

But there’s nothing else I can do about it. I’ve failed 3 times, and I may fail 3 more times, luckily for me I’ve learned that my worth is always present and isn’t contingent on perfection, at all, ever.

Sometimes I fail at making good art, but I’ve learnt that it’s just a part of the glorious process of being a rather awesome human.

Failure will always be there, it is what we do with it that matters. Are you going to let yours be as dull as perfection is, or will you use alchemy and magic to transform it?

xxxALi