The first step I took…
What do I want to say to anyone who knows the patterns of restriction/ self hate/ loathing/ general unhappiness/ and crushing perfectionist control like I do?
Watch Brene Brown.
Honestly, that’s all I feel like I need to say. But I’d probably follow it up with, go to her first TED talk, ‘the Power of Vulnerability (attached below). Watch it twice, the first time just to experience awe at the truth bombs exploding all around you. The second time is to take some notes and use them to make a plan that works for you, wherever you may be on your mental health journey.
For me, being sick with a restrictive eating disorder meant that during my worst years I had a pretty clear image of my end goal (ish). Ideally, what I needed to achieve was simply to become not-me. Any version of not-me would do, as long as she was small and tiny; clean and hard, empty, small, and wee, like a fragile bird. By taking up so little space and resources; by being so quiet and demure, by not taking any of your time and attention, and being of service to everyone around me I could perhaps make up for the (obvious) sin of my existence.
The goal was not to be thin per say, it was to take up as little space as possible… because I was not worthy to take it. The hollow eyes, poky bones, and somewhat psychotic behaviour was just a knock-on effect of not eating the food that wasn’t for me anyway. After a certain amount of restriction (whether it’s food or joy) you’re bound to look and act a bit crazy.
That was it however.
A very small, knowable box filled with rules, restrictions, and boundaries, under 24 hour protection by my various ED related guards/ jailers. Thus, when the idea of recovery started to slowly seep into my awareness, the main thing that stood out was the bigness of it all. ‘Health’ looked big and energetic, filled with outfits, people, outings, laughter, enjoyment, and pleasure.
Whilst all of this might have a mentally well person nodding their head in excitement, for those of us that are unwell in this capacity, it sounds fucking terrifying.
Think of it like this, to live with this kind of mental illness is to live in a VERY abusive relationship. Financially, physically and emotionally, we are owned by our abuser. For every second of true joy we feel, our abusive partner will give us two times (minimum) the amount of pain and torture. That is our pattern. That is what we know and trust.
Something as big as a world filled with pleasure and happiness did not look like sunshine and rainbows to me. It may sound a bit dramatic but that kind of world (at the time) was probably closer to ‘The Upside Down’ in Stranger Things. An unknowable scarefest filled with beasts and penance for sins.
For me, what Brene Brown did with her research and subsequent TED talk, was to turn this huge, horrifying world of happiness into something much smaller and knowable. And that is, to live whole-heartedly.
The hallmarks of someone who cultivates whole-hearted living are; authenticity, self-compassion, resilience, finding gratitude, meaningful work, creating moments of calmness, rest, and play, and of course, creativity.
Most importantly, these attributes move us away from characteristics such as perfectionism, numbing, scarcity, comparison, anxiety, self doubt, control, anxiety and exhaustion. Notice that there is no mention of food, exercise, clothing, or outings, but rather some pretty definitive calls to action?
Those calls made me pick up the phone and start talking to the person who I wanted so desperately to be. Who wouldn’t want to be authentic to themselves and the world around them? Who doesn’t want to be kind, brave, strong, thankful, filled with purpose and joy in the creation of their big, beautiful life?!
What I find wonderful about Brene, her ongoing research and the empire to vulnerability and whole-heartedness that she (and the team) have built, is that it validates, names, and pays attention to the starting points, the things we need to let go of in order to cultivate the characteristic we want to grow.
Traditionally, I was much more comfortable with making most of my decisions based on what I believed other people thought of me, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I much preferred numbness, comparison, perfectionism and control, thank you very much.
The thing is, according to decades of research, if I want to be authentic (which is one of my core values), then I need to at the very least, acknowledge that I care deeply what others are thinking of me. Secondary to that, if I really want to wear authenticity, I need to be able to wade into that particular swamp and listen to the story that my brain is telling me about it. Two important things are happening here which for my ED mind were very powerful:
I had a goal that wasn’t related to my body in any way whatsoever,
It was my swamp, and my responsibility to wade in there.
Of course, this isn’t just about authenticity. If I want to create freely, I need to jump into my overwhelmingly consistent practice of comparison.
If I want to experience gratitude and joy, then I need to address the part of my mind that scares me with scarcity.
If I want to embrace meaningful work, then I need to look at when, where, and how I pick up and put on self doubt.
If I want to consider myself resilient, then I need to be able to address the myriad of ways that I numb uncomfortable feelings and work through them, in real time, without getting high, drunk, running, vomiting, buying shit online, etc…
I’ll talk about this more, but friends, if you haven’t yet hopped on the Brene Brown train, consider this your sign to jump on board. If you have been feeling sick, and low, down and out, and no one on your treatment team or in your life seems to ‘get it’, it’s time for you to go get it yourself. If living a big, bold, passionate life is a bit scary for you right now (because all you know is a small one filled with pressure) just take this one step.
Learn about some of the things this life might have in it, see which ones feel big to you right now and take a step towards them.
Towards you. Future you is going to be so damn proud you did.
xxxxx ALi
