Sweeping up dirt
Yesterday I cleaned my yoga mat for the first time since I bought it 3 years ago. It was filthy, and yet I had no idea until I watched the water in the shower cubicle turn brown and then black as though a chimney sweep had gotten in there with me.
Then, because my mat was so beautiful and blue (!, not grey?) I thought I should give the balcony a sweep before I popped it back down… Just like my mat, the balcony was filthy too. I just hadn’t noticed it, because it was all sitting so nicely and filthily together!
And ain’t that kinda familiar to the dawning levels of awareness that come through to us on our healing and creative journey through life?
Throughout my journey into recovery from an ED, as well as for every single canvas I’ve ever painted on, the process has remained the same, something akin to “I had to no idea it was so deep!”
I could be talking about the patterns of my behaviour or the correct tone for a shadow, regardless, the awareness is the same: it’s often not until we start chipping away at that shadow, habit, or filthy mat that we realise how far beyond the surface that layer extends.
I didn’t realise how filthy my mat was because I’d gotten used to it looking that way. Even though I’d bought it new and shiny blue, over time it gathered a crusty sheen of grey and because of this natural and slow process of transformation I hadn’t noticed that my mat, for all intents and purposes, was an almost completely different mat.
In addition to the mat itself, the balcony was a bit gross too, little bits of city-dwelling dust, flicked out cat litter, dead leaves, dried worms, a big ol’ random smudge of dried on muddy dirt, right where my mat sits….
It was dirt on dirt, hard to see even under a microscope, and it’s my workout mat in the workout area, so why does it matter how dirty it is?
It doesn’t, not really.
The moral of this story is simply this: sometimes shit is a bit bigger, deeper, and dirtier than it appears on the surface.
Don’t be so surprised when your decades-long mental illness doesn’t disappear because you’ve changed a few shitty habits.
Don’t be so surprised that your painting is stirring up more emotions than you’re stirring up paint.
Don’t be so surprised that the more you look at something and question it’s reality, the more you will see, and the more known and unknown that thing will become.
Oh yeah, and don’t forget to clean your yoga mat every couple of years, that shit gets dank.
XXX ALi
